"Swimming in Surgical Options"

Today was the day. I had been dreading it and looking forward to it. I want a game plan and I want no part of this process. It was our third meeting with the surgical oncologist and all test results were in, biopsies and MRIs accomplished, and surgical recommendations on the table.

I didn't like it one bit. There was so much to think about and too many options! There could be a lumpectomy (also known as partial mastectomy) followed by radiation, a mastectomy was offered without radiation (with or without reconstruction surgery), or a double mastectomy (with or without reconstruction). My head is swimming in the pool of options and trying to determine what is right for me?

The tumor (aggressive, as she keeps reminding me) was a little bigger than first thought putting it between a stage 1 and stage 2 for size. Still early she reassured me.

Right now, I feel like I am overwhelmed with information. I will talk, read, pray and hopefully make the right decision.

"The Big Date"

I'm nervous as a school girl about to go out on "the big date." That big date is tomorrow, but at least I will have a chaperon! All tests results are in and it is time to sit down with my husband and the surgical oncologist and decide what to do!

I've read article after article of Seventeen magazine so I'll know what to expect! Well, in my case, I've read lots of "patient education" brochures, books and pamphlets. I know the terms from lumpectomy and mastectomy to sentinel node biopsy and adjuvant therapy.

But, now it is time to face all the unknowns. What will she suggest for me? Will I agree? Will the timing work out? How long will this journey take? Will it all be a big success at the end? I hope to get many answers from the doctor tomorrow, but I also know that most of the answers will come from God and that is where I have to keep my focus despite these nervous distractions!

"Oops, we hit a snag"

Okay, I was ready for "the big appointment." It had taken on monumental proportions in my head. It was time for my husband and I to see the surgical oncologist again to decide what type of surgery would be best for me. I was armed with a notebook full of questions.

Instead, she came into the little room to report that the MRI showed something in my left breast. Something tiny, she assured me. Something solid, but not really suspicious. Guess what this means? Me versus the big needle, part two! Another biopsy was scheduled. I loved the first one so much, why not try it again!

I left the appointment feeling disappointed and torn. I didn't want to wait any longer for answers. I did not want another biopsy. I wanted the game plan! But, in the back of mind I realized it gave me a little more time before I had to start this process that I didn't want to do in the first place. It gave me a little more time to pretend like the breast cancer wasn't real, if I could.

"The Roller Coaster Ride"

In between visiting with all those nurses, I did spend quality time with the doctor. She was patient, explained so many things my head was spinning (even though I took notes) and gave me good news and bad.

According the the ultrasound, the tumor is stage 1 in size (1.6 cm). However, it has that nasty grade 3 rating (aggressive). She said it is best to be positive on the ER and PR lab tests. Both of mine came back negative (of course). Not sure yet about the HER2/Neu. Since I'm young, the tumor is aggressive and is not responsive to hormone therapy, I will be having IV chemo (I almost jumped for joy over that news).

Next step: a breast MRI. Then we talk about our surgical options.

We (my husband and I) have a mixed bag of news. We have shock and emotion coursing through our systems and sometimes we have totally normal moments. It's just like being on a roller coaster, only you don't get the cool wind in your face and you hardly ever get to put your arms up in the air!

"Nurses on Parade"

Two days after "D-day" I'm back in the parking lot of the cancer center. This time, I'm sure there was no design flaw, but I hate seeing that word (and it is so big on the side of the building)! I'm here to meet my surgical oncologist (fancy word for someone who does cancer surgery). My husband is with me and I'm a ball of nerves!

That's when the parade starts. The nicest nurse ever collects me from the waiting room, then another nurse comes in the room to introduce herself and when she leaves I see another! At the end of my appointment one of them saddles me with a bag, a file folder system for me to use, a book, pamphlets and business cards. Then she opens her arms and says "we are huggers here." As I let her hug me, she tells me that I've gained a new family whether I wanted one or not! I'm not sure if I want to smile or cry. I think I did both.