"No Hair? Don't Care!"

I have always been afraid to cut my hair shorter than shoulder length (because I like pony tails) and often grow it long. So, I was worried about the hair loss. Turns out...I don't care after all! I really thought being bald would bother me, but it doesn't. Not even a little.

I usually opt for hats in public. At home, I wear them if my head is cold. If not, I dare to go bare! I have a wig that I haven't worn yet. I did get it out and try it on recently. It felt weird! It is now brushed and sitting atop the Styrofoam head on my dresser. As a fun art project, Kaylee decorated the plain white head for me. I'm not sure my blush looks exactly like that and I certainly don't have long eyelashes anymore, but she did give me my blue eyes!

 

In the scheme of things, having no hair doesn't feel like a big deal. Having surgery, chemo and later radiation feels like a bigger deal. Even that stuff isn't as hard to get through as I thought it would be. There is no choice in the matter, you just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. It is what it is. At times, it is even a blessing. I've met some wonderful people and had a lot of great care. I have seen friends and family members rally around me and I am much more mindful of all the precious little moments in life. I don't sweat as many small things. I hope these are the lessons that stay with me once my hair grows back.





 





"Blunders and Blessings"

It was not exactly smooth sailing, but Wednesday was round four of chemo. I was supposed to start the day at 8:30 and expected to be home between 1:00 and 2:00. No such luck. The cancer center is undergoing the learning curve of a new computer system (problem number one). Problem number two was my picky port! One of the chemo meds ("the red devil") just didn't want to go in no matter what they did. I was finally moved to a room with a bed so I could be completely flat, turn my head this way, hold my arm that way....until we finally got it. Then I still had my second chemo med (thank goodness this one is on a pump).

It was getting to be 3:30 at this point, so Kent had to leave and relieve the babysitter. When Kaylee got home from school at 4:00, he came back with the kids in tow. I was close to being done when they got there. It was 5:00 before we finally got home!

However, the blessings of the day were bright! A silent auction fundraiser was taking place downstairs and I had bid on two items. The bidding was to end at 1:00. Kent went downstairs at the end to pay for the items that I won (both of them)! However, my three nurses from the Breast Health Center were also there paying for their items. They figured out who he was and told him to forget it! They had noticed my name on the sheets and had decided they were going to pay for my winning bids, plus bought me yet another item! They gave it all to him with hugs and said "tell her to have a Merry Christmas!" Nothing like that has ever happened to me! They are so wonderful there!

A second blessing: the friend who babysit Jayce all day came back when we finally got home with a freshly made dinner for us! Another friend from church came by last night with a home cooked meal as well. I'm so grateful! It's nice to feel good while you are feeling bad!

"Let's Play...Pass the Infection!"

It's not really a fun game, but it seems to be what we having been playing in our house lately. Just before Thanksgiving, Jayce got sick. We took him to the doctor and found out he had pneumonia. It was sad to see him so listless and sick. His fever went up to 105 before he started to feel better.

We did manage to make it down to Tulsa for Thanksgiving weekend. It was nice to see everyone, but really exhausting too. I started feeling bad on Saturday morning. A sore throat was kicking in and for about four nights in a row, I didn't get good sleep because it kept waking me. I went to the clinic Monday morning for tests galore. When you are on chemo and your immune system is compromised, they take every little thing seriously. Which means I got a chest X-ray, flu test, strep test, several blood tests, IV fluids. The result: strep throat and an ear infection.

Now that my throat is better and I nestled in for a good night's sleep...I was awakened at 12:30 in the morning by a crying 10-year-old who said her ear hurt. We took care of her and she woke again at 6:00 a.m. Kent took Kaylee to the doctor this morning...ear infection.

I guess we are doing our part to keep the antibiotics companies in business. I'm looking forward to another round of chemo next week (I use the phrase "looking forward" very loosely)! It will be back to feeling sick for me. So, let's hope we can keep everyone else well!

"Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow"

I had my G.I. Jane moment, but it didn't happen the way I thought it would. It turned out more like Benjamin Button instead. My hair started coming out in great big wads a couple of weeks after my first chemo. Then it slowed down and I was left with very thin hair. It started up again and I was left with zombie-like hair that made every day a mandatory hat day! Now, it is gone. Just little wisps are left (and those are still coming out).

It was very uneventful and not nearly as glamorous as it was when Demi Moore's head hit the shears in G.I. Jane. I guess that is what I expected, minus the really ripped, pumped up muscle queen body!

I'm also not traumatized by my lack of hair. While it certainly makes getting ready in the morning much faster, other time is added trying to choose an outfit that has a hat to match. I haven't gotten around to having my wig fitted yet, so hats it is for now. Hats are fun, and sometimes hot and sometimes itchy. So, sometimes (at home) you just have to dare to go bare!

"Chemo Tricks Me Back"

I am in the post-chemo feeling bad stage. I had chemo Friday afternoon and the next day my Mom flew back to Tulsa. She had flown in the Saturday before to help during the week because chemo was supposed to be on Tuesday. That's just not the way things turned out.

We went in on Tuesday, had my port accessed, lab work drawn and saw the oncologist. At that point, he was concerned about something "abnormal" and wanted me to see the surgeon. So, instead of chemo I got another mammogram and ultrasound. The next morning, we went back for an appointment with my surgeon. Everything turned out okay, it was just a lot of scar tissue.

But, this pushed chemo to Friday. Mom's plane ticket pushed her back home on Saturday. It was still a huge help having her here. A couple of people from church brought a meal today and that will help this week too.

Right now, I'm just sleepy. Good night!

"No Trick, Just Treat!"

I tricked my chemotherapy! It was supposed to fall on Halloween. So, I tricked it and moved it to next week so I could have a treat of a day!

Kent and I went to Kaylee's class Halloween party at school. It was a "Monster Mash" dance party in the gym for the 4th and 5th graders. That's 67 kids in costume! They ate, they danced, they sang to pop songs and Halloween favorites! After school, we brought the geisha girl home to get her make-up on (not allowed at school). Then we dressed her pet dinosaur (that would be Jayce). Don't geisha's usually have pet dinosaurs? I would think so.

 

 





Then it was off to a nearby grocery store Halloween event. On our way home, we stopped by their former babysitter's house for a quick treat. Then it was down the street to a neighbor's house for a pre-trick or treating Halloween party/dinner! The weather was pretty nice when dusk came and we hit the streets in search of porch lights!

It was a long day, but in a different way than a chemo day is a long day! I would choose this one! Mom is flying into St. Louis on Saturday and we'll go pick her up. She'll be here for a week to help us out since I'm facing a "long day" on Tuesday (AKA Chemo Round 3).

"Hats, Teeth and Other Misc. Stuff"

I'm in the middle. It's been two weeks since my second round of chemo and it is just  less than two weeks until chemo number three. These are supposed to be my "good days." They are, from a chemo standpoint. However, my mouth has betrayed me. The pain from having my tooth pulled at the oral surgeon's last week is lingering. Way. Too. Long. I don't know what is taking it so long to heal, but a hurting mouth makes everything a little less fun.

I also don't know what to do about my hair. What's left of it, that is. I'm in mandatory hat mode. Without the hat, I look a dog with the mange. I've lost 75 to 80% of my hair. I'm just guessing. I know that God knows the number of every hair on my head. That must be an easier job for him now. For now, I need more hats I guess. My Mom bought me a cute one and my Aunt surprised me by sending me a hat made just for me! It was a nice surprise!

 



I'm also very appreciative of those who have made food for us. It has made life much easier! Thank you to Kristin Steelman for the three frozen, homemade meals! They didn't spend much time in my freezer! Thanks to my Mom for leaving some chili in the freezer! Thanks to Val for always surprising us with dinner! Thanks to my cousin Joni for the Applebee's gift card (we recently enjoyed some 'car side to go')! Love you all!

"Magic Day 9"

It happened last time and now it has happened again. I'm talking about magic day number nine. Chemo is day one and from that point on the muscle aches and pains, queasy tummy, no appetite, headaches, other stomach issues, low energy and tiredness take hold. Then, on day number nine it stops! That's twice now that day nine has been the first "good day" after chemo. I'm sensing a pattern!

The only thing that marred happy day number nine was my tooth. Yes, my stupid tooth. I have spent hours with the dentist during the past few weeks after a throbbing toothache. On four different occasions, he has worked on a root canal and has been unsuccessful in finishing it. The reasons are complicated (I barely understood what he was saying the problem was). After these visits, he popped a temp filling in and said "let's just wait a month and see how it goes."

It didn't go well. I woke up with the horrible toothache again. This time, he sent me to the oral surgeon. I just went there and had my back, right upper molar yanked. Currently, that has not helped the toothache! I am hopeful that it will heal soon and I can start enjoying my "good" post-chemo days until it is time for another round. In the meantime, I am thankful for pain meds!

"Chemo #2...feeling like poo!"

I know, that's not a very nice title. But, I'm not feeling very nice today. I had my second round of chemo on Wednesday.

I feel like I'm getting the flu (or about to get to the end of it). My body aches and I feel queasy. I don't have much hair left, but I don't even care about that right now. Okay, I'm done whining now. Onto the good news. My Mom and Dad are here and that means no cooking, cleaning, laundry or baby care to worry about while I'm feeling crummy. They leave on Sunday, but hopefully I will feel better by then.

Kaylee's 10th birthday was yesterday and we took her out to eat. I did okay. Tonight, we have her birthday party at "Going Bonkers." That just might make me go bonkers! Good thing we are taking two cars because I may have to make an early exit!

"Tenderitisfullbrush"

I have a new ailment. I call it tenderitisfullbrush. The books, the nurses, the doctors and the breast cancer survivors all told me the same thing, that when the hair starts to go the head will be tender and maybe itchy. They were right. My head is tender and my brush is full.

I am now apparently in competition with my cat to see which one of us can shed the most. I am winning, by a wide margin! I brushed my hair several times after my shower yesterday and had to keep pulling the hair out of the brush. From this nice pile of my former hair, I fashioned a lovely toupee for my receding hairline husband. Sadly, he was not appreciative.

My hair is thick, so I still look like I have normal hair. I can tell that it is thinner, but I doubt anyone else can. But, it looks like I'm on my way to putting that Styrofoam head that has been hiding in my closet out on my dresser!

"All Awash in Pink"

It's October. To my daughter, that means her birthday and trick-or treating. To just about everyone else who steps foot in a store, it means a sea of pink items from kitchen gadgets and notepads to clothing and office supplies!

Breast Cancer Awareness Month is here in full force. I've always noticed it and I like pink anyway (any time of year). But, I haven't felt the need to trade in my white kitchen measuring cups for pink ones to help me think about breast cancer.

There is, however, one pink product that I love! It is useful, it is beautiful and I know that it is made with love! It is my pink and chrome pen from Marksmanship Pens!

 

www.MarksmanshipPens.com

 

I know it is useful because I use it all the time! Obviously, it is beautiful! I know it is well-made because the master craftsman behind Marksmanship Pens is a perfectionist! I should know! He's my Dad! So, if you want something pink this month for a fighter or a survivor, this is my recommendation because it is close to my heart! 

"Getting My Groove Back!"

It could have been the shirt. It could have been the caffeine infusion from a white chocolate mocha. It could have been the prayers. Whatever it was, I felt like I got my groove back! I faced the day with my new hot pink "Fight Like a Girl" T-shirt and I could feel the attitude permeate my entire body!

The day before I was sick of dragging. I was sick of feeling sick. I finally presented my problems to the cancer center's symptom evaluation clinic. They pumped me full of fluid for dehydration, did lab work and ran a test for a stomach infection. The test came back negative and I was then given the green light to pig out on meds that would make me feel better!

I woke up yesterday just knowing that it was going to be a good day! It finally was! I had the energy to run a couple of errands with Jayce, clean up the house a bit and I even cooked dinner for the first time in a week! I enjoyed beautiful weather and sat on my deck to take a phone call from my high school BFF (we haven't talked on the phone in years)! Life gets busy. Then priorities become more clear. This day, I slowed down, breathed in life and enjoyed it moment by moment not worrying about what the next day or the next month may bring. I can only hope there will be more days like this one!

"The Energy Zapper"

When they give chemo, maybe they should follow up with a shot of energy drink! I have made it to day five and my biggest complaint is lack of energy, I'm so tired! It makes me feel whiny because I get bored too. I don't really feel like doing anything, but I want to do something! Think of all the things I could do, if only I felt like doing them!

My stomach has been upset too. That makes me want to stay close to home. If I could get that straightened out, I would feel better. However, I am grateful that things are not worse. I understand fully that there are a slew of symptoms that I could have and do not. I am thankful for friends who have been providing meals to keep my family from starving! I'm no good in the kitchen right now!

Well, this typing is exhausting! Time for a nap! Just kidding, maybe.

"1 Down...9 To Go"

The Chemo countdown is on! I went to the cancer center yesterday for treatment numero uno. It took a while, but not too bad! First, there were the hour-long pre-meds (to keep nausea at bay), then the Adriamycin (which only takes 20 minutes). However, I had to eat popsicles and ice the entire time. This is supposed to help prevent the mouth sores. Then the Cytoxan had to drip for an hour. All in all, the administration of the drugs was not a problem and having the chest port implant was great!

So, once I got home I started the big "fluid push" to help flush the toxins out of my system. I managed to drink 80 ounces of various fluids (now I feel like a blimp)! My biggest complaint is a giant headache that just won't subside. I'm not really sure what the deal is with that! Otherwise, I don't feel bad. Sometimes, I feel on the very low edge of queasy, but not much. I just want to keep it that way.

A very nice friend/neighbor brought dinner for the family tonight so we didn't have to worry about that. She also baby-sat Jayce during my whole appointment so that Kent could be with me. So, a huge thank you to Val (because this isn't even the first time she has helped us in this way)! Thanks goodness for us that she just retired...there goes God's timing at work again! :)

"Forget Cancer, Have a Nice Root Canal!"

As I went to bed Sunday night, I thought about everything that had to be done the next few days. A trip to the cancer center was on the calendar for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday (not to mention other things). Unfortunately, I did not factor in an emergency root canal.

I had a toothache on Sunday, but didn't think too much of it. Until, that is, it woke me up three times during the night. At four in the morning my face was throbbing. I got up to take Advil and still couldn't sleep. I was worried because I knew I was facing my first chemo treatment on Wednesday and dental procedures are highly discouraged during chemo. I knew I didn't have time to play the game of wait and see. I called my dentist at 4:30 in the morning and left a message explaining my situation.

I went in as soon as my appointment at the cancer center was done. The X-ray was compared to the last time I was there (not that long ago because I always have my regular cleanings). At that time, he marked it as a place to "watch." The dentist took one look at the two X-rays and said "Wow, that got bad fast!" He looked at his watch (11:30) and said he would work through lunch because I needed a root canal right now! I didn't even have time to get nervous! He worked on me for an hour and a half, put a temp filling in and I go back in today for him to finish the procedure. That will be after my pre-chemo lab work and appointment with my oncologist, of course.

I guess I had seen so many doctors lately, the dentist was feeling left out! Do I have bad luck or what?! Here is the upside: it was caught and acted on quickly before it became an infection and before chemo started! It seems like every time something "bad" happens there has been the silver lining of God at work. His timing is perfect, even during less than perfect circumstances.

"Chemo Counseling"

The cancer center killed a great number of trees in order to make sure I understand what is about to happen to me next week. I'm all awash in paperwork! I have sheets that explain each drug, consent forms, maps, fliers and a handy new folder to add to my growing collection of folders full of informative medicalese. Thank goodness I like to read!

However, because I've been doing my homework I was not surprised by anything I learned in my chemo counseling session this week. For those facing chemo, I would highly recommend "The Chemotherapy Survival Guide" by Judith McKay, RN, OCN and Tamera Schacher, RN, OCN, MSN. It is chock full of invaluable information so you can go into the chemo with your eyes wide open. It isn't a scary book, if you enjoy being informed.

They cover everything from how chemo actually works and understanding your treatment plan to understanding blood tests and all possible ways to deal with potential side effects. It is easy to understand and written by people who know...the oncology nurses! We all know nurses are awesome (just ask my Mom)! :)

I don't feel excited about starting my 10 cycles of chemo next week, I feel apprehensive. But, I do not feel afraid. I feel that I know all that I can at this point and the unknowns cannot be known so I cannot worry about that. I have given it to God, set up a good babysitter for Jayce, will have my husband by my side and the prayers of many lifting me up!

"39 and NOT holding!"

"It's your birthday! It's your birthday!" I was singing that part in case that wasn't clear! Well, I don't know if it is your birthday, but it is mine and I'm really happy about it! Usually, as you get older the birthday takes on less meaning and you rather hope that not much attention is brought to it. Since I'm turning 39 today I'm supposed to start going with the "39 and holding" saying. But, I'm throwing that line of thought into the trash!

It's amazing how your perspective can change based on life events. When I was pregnant with my now 12-month-old, I was like Grandma Moses having a baby! I was constantly seeing paperwork with "advanced maternal age' printed on it. Now that I have breast cancer, suddenly I'm young again! I am constantly told by doctors, nurses and other breast cancer survivors how young I am! Well, it is good to be young again!

So, there will be no "39 and holding" for me! Bring on 40! I will be happy to see it and 50, 60, 70, 80 and 90 too (if I should be so lucky)!

"Chemo for Kids"

We told Kaylee, our 9-year-old daughter, about my breast cancer so she would understand that I would be having surgery. But, now that it is getting close to time for chemo treatments, it was time to tell her a little more.

I sat down on the couch with her and read her a book called "Our Mommy has Cancer" that was given to me by the American Cancer Society. It explains, in kid terms, about chemo and radiation. It also talks about hair loss. Things were going well until we got to this part. Her eyes went big as saucers and she was mortified at the thought of Mommy being bald! So, I tried to make it sound fun and tell her that I had a wig to wear and might get some cool hats too! She sweetly offered to loan me some of her very own "cool" hats including the one that is entirely made of sequins! I thanked her, of course, thinking that I might look better bald than as a disco ball!

She had some questions that we tried to honestly answer. She wanted to know if it was okay if she took the book to school and if she told anyone about it. I assured her it was not a secret and she could do whatever makes her feel best about it.

She came home from school with a card that she made full of rainbows and happy, smiling suns. She wrote "Mommy, I'm deeply sorry for your cancer. I hope you get well soon and good luck!" 

"Dancing with the Red Devil"

When the course of chemotherapy drugs you are prescribed is nicknamed the "Red Devil" that does not inspire excitement about getting started! The first six cycles will include the drugs Adriamycin (Doxorubicin) and Cytoxan (Cyclophosphamide) also called "AC" for short. This is not an uncommon regimen for people with breast cancer.

It is the Adriamycin that is the "Red Devil" and I'm not sure why other than it is red in color, it burns if it touches the skin (which it shouldn't do), and has a list of "possible" side effects so long you'd need a scroll to write them all out. Of course, all the drugs have this side effect laundry list.

The likelihood of having no side effects isn't great, but the possibility of having many is also slim. I know there will be some, but which ones? Well, we know I'll be going bald so count that as one! Everything else is uncertain. So, I plan to dance with the Red Devil with my tap shoes on (because that seems positive)! Also, those little pieces of metal on the bottom might help me kick the crap out of it before it kicks the crap out of me!

"Cancer With Bad Juju"

It's time to nail down a plan. That's what I hoped for as I visited my medical oncologist for the second time today. First, he said my heart is "robust" (according to the gated heart scan I recently had - also known as MUGA scan). Second, the PET scan I had showed nothing bad! Third, he said my cancer had bad "juju." Is that a highly technical medical term? He also called it some other nasty names.

This is where the chemo plan comes in. Door number three (the bad juju) means aggressive, heavy duty chemo. Those are my Doctor's terms, not mine. My excitement is starting to build (insert sarcasm)!

Chemo treatments will begin in two weeks! I used an exclamation point in hopes that it would make me feel excited and less bummed about the fact that they will drag on for nearly seven months. I don't think it worked, yet. I will have 10 cycles. That's once every 21 days, unless something causes a delay. Such as certain low blood counts or me just not showing up! Okay, okay, I'll show up. I'll even try to be brave! I have too because everyone keeps telling me how strong I am. I never thought of myself that way, but maybe I'll start to believe it too!

"Snail Mail Support"

In the age of e-mail, text messages and quickie Facebook posts, I have come to appreciate the age-old form of communication. While, electronic messages are nice too, it is amazing the uplifting feeling you get when you open the mailbox and find that someone thought of you. A snail mail card means that someone thought of you, picked out a card, hunted down your address and spent good money on a stamp! Hey, that's hard to come by these days!

I have many people to thank for snail mail encouragement! Some are repeat offenders (you know who you are)! Some are people I haven't heard from in years and some are people I do not even know. I just received a small package the other day from a women who doesn't know me and I do not know her. She sent an uplifting card and a devotional book called "Praying Through Cancer." It is a book she said helped her in her own journey with breast cancer. I found out she attends church with my Grandparents in Oklahoma.

I got another thick envelope in the mail with a very encouraging note from another breast cancer survivor. I don't know her either, but she knows many of my family members who live in Oregon and she says she feels like she knows me. We are now Facebook friends. She sent me this necklace:

I thank everyone for every form of support that has been sent my way. You may never know how much it helps and how much it means to me! Prayers have already been answered along this journey. I know prayers are powerful and I thank everyone who puts me and my family in theirs.

"Is My Heart Ready for Chemo?"

I was back in nuclear medicine again. This time, to see if I have a heart. Okay, it was really to see how my heart pumps. I'm pretty sure there was a heart in there (they didn't tell me otherwise)! I had my MUGA scan (Multiple Gated Acquisition scan) which produces a "movie" of the moving heart.

There is a chemo drug (that I might be given) called Adriamycin (generic name – doxorubicin) and a serious problem with this drug is that it can cause heart failure. Yep, I would call that a really serious problem! So, it is important to make sure you have a healthy heart before considering this as one of the chemo drugs in the cocktail.

The medical oncologist will take these results and the PET scan results into consideration when I see him again next week to decide what my chemo treatment plan should be. It's scary. I don't think about it much, but when the time comes I know I'll need a hand to hold. Until then, I keep it in the back of my mind and go about my days as normally as I can (with lots of visits to the cancer center thrown in). But, those visits are becoming part of my "normal."

"Clinical Trial Guinea Pig"

Clinical trials make me think of lab rats and last resorts for patients with no other options. I've come to learn that many clinical trials are not like that at all. However, it doesn't mean I want to be a guinea pig!

My cancer center is trying to recruit me into a chemotherapy clinical trial. It was confusing at first, but what I understand is that they are trying to determine best outcomes between two already well-known standard treatments. The trial is only for women with "high risk" cancer (aggressive variety like mine) and are Her2 negative (which I am).

While I understand the point of such research and support it. I'm not sure it is right for me. Participants are "randomized" into two different groups. So, the trial (not the doctor) decides exactly which treatment is given. While I have been assured that either treatment would be "gold standard" for me, I still feel apprehensive.

I understand that altruism is defined as the opposite of selfishness. I am interested in the future welfare of others and I do not want to be selfish. However, since this is MY fight against breast cancer, I feel strongly that I'd like the doctor to be the one to decide exactly what chemo treatment is right for me (not a computer). So, I struggle to decide because I feel the pull in both directions.

"Most Popular Patient Ever!"

At the end of my chemo treatment, my radiation treatments will get underway. I may get a two week break, like a treatment-free vacation! I just had my first appointment with my radiation oncologist. It looks like we'll be hanging out for about six weeks (30 treatments).

I'll be glad to see him again! It will mean that things are winding down and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. I just might be able to see it by then! Plus, as a bonus, he promised to tell me a joke a day.

According to him, I also have the unique opportunity to become the most popular patient ever after it was revealed that I work for Hershey and do have access to samples! Hey, a joke plus winning the popularity contest...what a deal!

"The big "C"...Chemo!"

I know cancer is supposed to have the honorary title of the "The Big C" but I am reassigning that moniker to chemo instead. I met with my medical oncologist for the first time and I kind of expected a mad scientist with crazy white hair ready to mix up some stinking toxic potion (possibly in a cauldron)! While a little of that toxic part might be true, he was nothing like that! He seemed smart, capable and compassionate (except for when he said I couldn't keep my hair)!

We don't have a complete plan yet. I have to see him again in two weeks. In the meantime, I will be getting a PET scan, a MUGA scan and some more lab work. The MUGA scan takes a look at the health of your heart (because some - one in particular - chemo drugs can be hard on the heart).

It looks like I'll be starting the treatments in early to mid-September and I can plan on dedicating about five months of my life to it. I'll know more after "chemo class" which comes before treatments start. I hope I earn a good grade! ;)

"PET Scan...Has Nothing To Do With Our Cat"

Nice Nurse Nancy called today to let me know that my "case" had been presented by my surgeon at the cancer center's multi-disciplinary conference. This is when everyone (from pathologists and oncologists to radiologists and surgeons) come together to discuss the patients under their care. It is nice to know that everyone gets on the same page and doesn't just read a chart!

The medical oncologist I will see for the first time next week was there and said he wanted a PET scan ordered to check for metastasis. This is when cancer sneaks away from the tumor and decides to go hang out somewhere else in your body, not a good deal! Nurse Nancy assured me it wasn't because he thought this would be the case, but rather because my tumor was aggressive and because of my young age.

So, once again I have another trip to the cancer center on my calendar and a reminder that I'm not even close to being done with all this.

"A Holding Pattern"

I feel like a car that has been parked in the garage. I haven't been out much since my surgery. I've been to the doctor and to church this past Sunday. I dusted off the cobwebs and took a walk around the neighborhood because the weather was so nice yesterday. I pushed Jayce in the stroller while Kaylee lapped me on her scooter. Everything I have read tells me that exercise helps with everything, but after 30 minutes of pushing that stroller up my hilly streets I wasn't sure what it was helping!

I'm happy that my surgical pathology report was such a good one, but I wish the surgical site would hurt less. I don't want to be a wimp about it, but I thought it would feel better than this by now. It has improved, I try to remind myself. While I cope with the end of step one, my mind wanders to next step.

I'm back in a holding pattern, not knowing what to expect once again. Next week, I have appointments with the medical oncologist and the radiation oncologist. I guess I will find out more about the plan at that point or I may face more tests first. I just don't know, but I do know that I don't feel ready to take on the unknown of chemo. I think I'll just stay in the garage a little longer, it really isn't that bad in here.

"Where Does My Help Come From"

"My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth!" Psalm 121:2

The Lord sent my Mom and Dad to fill in recently. My help came from them in spades! They arrived August 1 (the day before surgery) and just left today. Mom cleaned the house, cooked every dinner, fed everyone breakfast and lunch, made several trips to the grocery store, took Kaylee to a dentist appointment and back-to- school clothes shopping. She did untold loads of laundry, took me to pre-op and post-op doctor appointments and sat in the waiting room with Kent during my surgery. She took care of the baby. Even though I'm sure she enjoyed this part the most, every feeding and diaper change and everything else was a lot of work. I'm sure Jayce is crawling around wondering where that other Mommy went. Me too.

Dad took Kaylee shopping and bought her some school shoes (the kind that only Grandparents would buy because Mom and Dad wouldn't spend that much)! He played with the kids, fixed a leaky bathtub faucet, installed a new ceiling fan, and ran all kinds of errands.

They have been steady, rock solid providers of love and care. I don't know what to say because thank you is too small and just doesn't cover it. I'm crying because it is like God's love, just something that you can't repay no matter how much you want too. I miss them already, but not because of all the "things" that they did. I just miss their loving presence.

"Prepare for New Hair"

Since I am healing from surgery and Chemotherapy looms, I decided to be proactive and start taking a look at wigs. I want to be ready when my G.I. Jane moment comes. My Mom and I stopped by the cancer center gift shop to ask for ideas about where to look for a good wig. We were told by the nice lady volunteer that we had to look no further than right where we stood. I looked around and saw about five wigs on styrofoam heads, lots of hats and little gift items and sighed inside.

We followed her supervisor to a door that said "fitting room" and went inside. It was like an entire private wig shop! I've certainly never seen so many styrofoam heads in one place! I told the lady I wasn't ready to do all this right now, I just wanted to get ideas. She responded by asking if I lived in Boone County. I said I did and thought it was a strange question. Then I was blessed! She happily informed me that they have a grant from the Komen Foundation that allows them to give any Boone County resident with breast cancer a FREE wig and supplies! I was floored! What a wonderful gift. Just one more financial piece of the puzzle that we don't have to worry about!

So we went to work on finding the new hair that was "me." It turned out I liked the first one I tried, we just worked our way through some different colors until I knew we had the right one. It really looks amazing! She took my soon-to-be new hair, the super important foam head, the supply kit (did you know they even make wig hairspray?), and a wig brush and bagged it all up. I walked out with nearly $200 worth of stuff that will make me feel better about myself in the weeks to come and I learned that Komen is more than just pink ribbons.

"The Home Run of Good News!"

For the first time since my surgery, I left the house! Now, before you start thinking that a post-op visit with the surgeon isn't exciting, let me correct your thinking! It was the most exciting thing I've done in quite some time, because she had nothing to give me but good news!

The final lab report was so positive, I may have to frame it! She got the entire tumor out with "clean margins" (that's important in case you don't know about such things), all five lymph nodes that were removed tested negative for cancer! That means no cancer had spread! Also, the cancer had not made its way into the blood stream even at the site of the tumor!

My entourage (Mom and Husband) and I were practically standing up and cheering like we were at a ball game and someone had hit a home run! Someone pass the peanuts!

"The Pit of Self-Pity"

Have you ever seen the pit of self-pity? Well, if you stand on the edge, squint your eyes and take a look down there you might notice that it is dark, dirty and has slimy sides. The slimy sides make it really hard to climb out of in case you should fall in. That's why I am doing everything I can to make sure I don't lose my footing and journey down that slippery slope!

I am combating the pit of self-pity with a support book. Early on, I was afraid that I might forget about all the people who love me and are praying for me. What if I wake up one morning and decide that nobody cares and start the slide? I am determined not to do that!

In case my short-term memory needs a boost, I bought a notebook. Yep, just the plain old back-to-school kind. I keep a log of every person who has touched me in a supportive way. I list the date, the person's name and what they did (whether it was send an e-mail, a supportive message on Facebook, a private message on Facebook, a card in the mail, flowers, gift, phone call or even a phone message)! It all counts! I also bought an expandable folder to hold any cards that I might receive so I can easily look at them. Now I am equipped to fight back just in case my mind tries to be sneaky and pull me over to the edge of that old pit. I won't fall in. I will grab my book and remember exactly why that pit is not the place for me!

"Hurry Up and Heal!"

Patience has never been my virtue. So, sitting around and healing from surgery is a difficulty of its own! I have time off work, my Mom is here taking care of meals and the baby! In fact, she is even taking Kaylee shopping for "back to school" clothes." I have more time on my hands than I've had in....I can't even remember when! But, it is totally useless.

There are a ton of wonderful things I could get done, only I can't! Healing is a tiring job. Sometimes, I'm awake and can have enjoyable conversations, but I can't seem to concentrate on a book without falling asleep! I just slept all night for the first time since the surgery. The good news is that I got some good sleep, the bad news is that I went a long time without a pain pill! It wasn't a lovely morning!

Mom washed my hair for me (my arms have the usage of a T-Rex right now). I took a bath and had some help brushing my hair. By the time I had fresh PJ's on, I felt like I had run a half marathon!

I have to remind myself that it is okay to slow down, rest and just heal.

"What Cancer Cannot Take"

When I got home from the hospital, I had a gift waiting for me from a friend. It was a beautiful mug with the following poem (author unknown):

What Cancer Cannot Take From You

It cannot take away

your faith, shatter

your hope

or lessen your love.

It cannot destroy true

friendship,

invade the soul or take

away eternal life.

It cannot conquer

your spirit.

How true! If anything, it brings out the best in some people and guides you to your true friends. It puts you at the center of of many prayers and that is a humbling experience!

"Sore, Tired and Recovering"

I'm sore! I'm tired! I'm laying around in my PJ's! Yesterday was a long day. We didn't get home from the hospital until about 6:00 p.m. Sleeping was fine, until I woke up with pain. I want to shake the hand of the person that invented pain pills (and I'm not talking about whiskey).

I have about three ugly marks on the my left side where the chest port was placed. Oh, it felt nice when Jayce accidentally slapped it (note to self: do not bend down so close to 11 month old)! I have my most painful incision under my right arm where the three lymph nodes were removed. I haven't seen the rest, it is all bandaged up and has to stay that way until Wednesday when I see the surgeon.

On the up side, I couldn't have had a nicer surgeon, nurses and other hospital personnel. It went just as smooth as it could have.

Also, I couldn't have a nicer family! Mom and Dad are taking care of the house and the kids while I rest. I got several nice phone calls, a gift from a friend, flowers from my daughter to brighten my day and another flower delivery from my Aunt and Uncle and Grandpa and Grandma. When you feel sore and cruddy, it is nice to feel loved!

"Kill the Cancer, Step 1"

It's finally time to start killing the cancer! I wish I felt more excited about it. It's surgery day! See, that doesn't quite have the same ring to it as "It's free pizza day!" Oh, don't get me wrong, I can't wait to get cancer out of my body (of course, free pizza would be nice too).

I will start the day at 7:45 a.m. (quite late in the medical world!) at the cancer center where they will do a pre-op procedure called "needle localization." They tell me it is much like a biopsy. The idea is to put a long, thin needle into the breast and stab that tumor so the surgeon has a nice guide to the spot on which to operate. Then, they will kindly tape down the part sticking out as I make my way over to the hospital for the surgery.

The actual surgery is supposed to take place at 10:30 a.m., but I'll be busy doing all those fun little things they do to get you ready! I can't wait to get the paper gown! I'm even more excited about the I.V. (okay, okay, I know I keep whining about this).

Once surgery is underway, they will do a sentinel node biopsy (remove some nodes to check for cancer spread into the lymph nodes), then remove the actual tumor and surrounding normal tissue, and while we are at it she is going to install a chest port to be used for my Chemo. All in all, it sounds like...well, to be honest it sounds like what has been keeping me up at night. So, I can't wait for this day to be over! I also don't want it to be over because that means I have to recover and move to the next treatment phase (which I also lose sleep over). Just being honest.

"Role Reversal"

Mom used to clean, cook and do the laundry when I was growing up in her house. She has continued that trend even without me there! However, when she comes to my house and does those things it feels weird!

It happened the first time almost one year ago when my second baby was born. We don't have any family in the area and we tried to work her time off around our best guess of actual birth. So, the baby came about a week before she got here. I called and told her to please hurry because I was floundering! SOS!

The very next month (thanks to that precious baby) I had to have my gallbladder removed (don't worry Jayce, I won't hold the gallstones against you)! She came back for a few days to watch the newborn and help around the house after my surgery.

So, I feel odd having to need her in this role again! You'd think I'd be the one needed to take care of her during some ailment instead! This seems backwards! Not that I think of her as "old" because I don't, but I don't think I am either! So what's the deal!

I don't really know, but I do know that I am thankful she and Dad are here today. I hope it is the last time they come for this type of reason. I want to go back to planning meals and cooking for them and taking them to fun places in town. While I'm glad Mom is here to go with me to a pre-op appointment today, I do not count hanging out at the cancer center as a visit to a "fun place in town!" Well, unless we get a chance to drop by the gift shop!

"The Cavalry's A Comin'!"

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."
-- Agatha Christie

Right on, Agatha! I'll admit, it doesn't matter how old you get, sometimes you just want your momma! Herald the trumpets, she's on her way! She's a busy lady with a full-time job, but when I need her most I can count on the fact that she will be here. Six hour road trip or not, she's a comin'.

She and my Dad will arrive tomorrow afternoon. I can promise you that when she walks in, we can all relax! She is super competent and will have everything whipped into shape in a way that I will never quite be able to match.

I can't wait for both of them to get here! I just wish it was for a nice summer vacation visit instead. But, I can pretend for a day!

"Thankfulness...Right Now?"

I realize it is too early for Thanksgiving, but why procrastinate? So, I am working on thankfulness. It seems like bad timing to take on this task right now, but I know it is what I have to do to get through the days, weeks and months ahead. I am currently thankful that I was able to spend a few days back home in Tulsa to celebrate my baby's first birthday (a bit early)! I am thankful for my parents, grandparents, brother, cousins, aunt, uncle, in-laws (and the occasional outlaws) that came out to show their support for our family. It was a solid group of people who care about us. That is something for which to be thankful.
I also am thankful for the break from thinking about medical jargon and doctors. Of course, I'd be lying if I didn't admit it was always in the back of my mind. But, we are back home to Columbia preparing to face the journey that lies ahead. I want to ask Robert Frost which road is the one less traveled, because if it is this one then I'm not sure he had the right idea!

So, I'll try to keep working on thankfulness in the midst of things that don't make me feel like doing so. I know there are many people who are currently dealing with situations much worse than mine. But, as a preacher once told me, it may only be a paper cut, but it is your paper cut and it still hurts!

"Breast Cancer on the Back Burner!"

On August 10, my baby turns one! I won't go into how the time flew by, because we all know that it did! My plan was to pile the family into the SUV and head to Tulsa (where everyone in our whole family - with the obvious exception of us - lives)! It is very important to me that we all be together to celebrate this milestone. Sadly, breast cancer had other ideas.

Well, I have outsmarted that stupid cancer! I started calling family members, plopped invitations in the mail immediately, had Mom reschedule the date for our party location and made a quick trip to the party store! We are moving this good time up a couple of weeks and making it happen!

Tonight, I will push breast cancer to the back of my mind and enjoy my baby, my family and all the good energy I will get from being able to see everyone before the big "C" tries to take over my days for a while. I will be able to hold Jayce, take pictures, eat cake and laugh while I'm still feeling great! Hopefully, by the time I plan his second birthday party, we will be more concerned about picking a theme, the right balloons and the perfect cake while cancer will be a thing of the past!

"The Game Plan"

Okay, it's game on! The plan is in place, the team is gearing up (okay, well the surgical team is probably always geared up), and I'm getting my game face on. I'd be lying if I said I was hyped up and raring to go. Maybe if I had cheerleaders...I don't know.

We are going with a lumpectomy. That will be preceded by a sentinel node biopsy (so they can make sure no cancer has spread its nasty self into my lymph nodes. There are a couple of other pre-game routines. The day before surgery, I get to visit nuclear medicine and have radioactive dye injected (too bad I already used a Spider-man reference). The morning of surgery I get to start off with what they call a needle localization. Which basically is like a biopsy only they leave a little needle sticking out of you (they promise to tape it down) to help guide the surgeon to the right spot. Sounds look a good time!

Then, I finally make it over to the hospital for the big game. While we are at it, the chest port will be placed (which will be used later for my chemo). The most important thing about this game is who wins...and I have my doubts that cancer will come out of this victorious!

"Swimming in Surgical Options"

Today was the day. I had been dreading it and looking forward to it. I want a game plan and I want no part of this process. It was our third meeting with the surgical oncologist and all test results were in, biopsies and MRIs accomplished, and surgical recommendations on the table.

I didn't like it one bit. There was so much to think about and too many options! There could be a lumpectomy (also known as partial mastectomy) followed by radiation, a mastectomy was offered without radiation (with or without reconstruction surgery), or a double mastectomy (with or without reconstruction). My head is swimming in the pool of options and trying to determine what is right for me?

The tumor (aggressive, as she keeps reminding me) was a little bigger than first thought putting it between a stage 1 and stage 2 for size. Still early she reassured me.

Right now, I feel like I am overwhelmed with information. I will talk, read, pray and hopefully make the right decision.

"The Big Date"

I'm nervous as a school girl about to go out on "the big date." That big date is tomorrow, but at least I will have a chaperon! All tests results are in and it is time to sit down with my husband and the surgical oncologist and decide what to do!

I've read article after article of Seventeen magazine so I'll know what to expect! Well, in my case, I've read lots of "patient education" brochures, books and pamphlets. I know the terms from lumpectomy and mastectomy to sentinel node biopsy and adjuvant therapy.

But, now it is time to face all the unknowns. What will she suggest for me? Will I agree? Will the timing work out? How long will this journey take? Will it all be a big success at the end? I hope to get many answers from the doctor tomorrow, but I also know that most of the answers will come from God and that is where I have to keep my focus despite these nervous distractions!

"Pink Ribbon Weirdness"

Forget about painting the town red. We all know that come October the stores will be coated in pink. I was personally feeling pink ribbon fatigue last fall. I mean how many cups, mugs notepads, pens, magnets, car flags, kitchen accessories, shirts, flip-flips, hats, baby diapers (okay maybe not diapers, but it wouldn't surprise me) do we need?

I get what it is all about and boy do I really get it now! I was at the grocery store the other day and I was stopped in my tracks by a display of pink ribbon items (from note cards to t-shirts). I felt compelled to look at it, but I didn't feel anything else. I just felt weird. This stuff means me now, right? I can't grasp that.

Last year, the final straw happened during a football game. My husband was astonished! The NFL players were wearing pink, yes PINK cleats during the game for breast cancer awareness. That's it, he told me, it has just gone too far! This year, he has already decided he can't wait to see the pink cleats. He has no problem with them at all! For me, I can't decide. It just feels...weird.

"Support Groups are for Sissies, Right?"

'Hello, my name is Jennifer and I have breast cancer.' I waited for the applause or maybe the supportive murmurs. Okay, that isn't what really happened, but it might have been what I was expecting! I wasn't sure what I was walking into when I decided I would show up for the local breast cancer support group.

I had been reading books and articles about breast cancer and what to expect. Many extolled the virtues of the support group. One line stuck right out...many who would benefit the most from a support group never seek one out. OH! What if that is me? That's it, I better find one! I hoped that didn't make me weak or needy, but I thought I'd just see what it was like and go from there.

What I found was a group of ladies who had "been there, done that" and were willing to spend their own time to guide and support newbies like me. I also met another newbie who was just one year my junior. We even have the same surgeon. I hope we'll be able to help each other too.

When they passed around a sign-in sheet, I wrote my name and noticed everyone had checked the box under "cancer survivor." I hesitated and it was noticed. I was told "you are surviving it now, that makes you a survivor." I checked the box!

Not a sissy in the bunch, only survivors!

"Nice News from Nurse Nancy!"

Oops, I missed a call. I checked voicemail and it was Nurse Nancy from the cancer center and could I please call her back. Gulp. What now! I returned the call (as any polite cancer patient would do) to find that Nurse Nancy had results from my second biopsy. Already!

"Jennifer, I just wanted to call and let you know your results are benign."

Benign (adj.)
1. Someone with a kindly disposition or gracious
2. expression of gentleness or kindness
3. favorable
4 Pathology not malignant

Let's check the above definition. Yes, Nurse Nancy was kind, gracious, gentle and her news was favorable! But, I'll take door number 4...no cancer in my other breast! By the way, 'benign' is my new favorite word!

"Me Vs. the Needle, the Remix"

Deja Vu (or maybe the Twilight zone)! I arrived for breast biopsy number two (same song, different breast)! The same nice nurse leads me into the same dimly lit room. She remembers me and tells me that I know the drill. Only this time, it is a different radiologist, and apparently the rest of his family! Okay, not really. But, it looked like I was going to have an audience.

This guy took a lot longer than the first person. It seemed to be going on forever in my mind and right when I thought we were just about done he informs me that I should be good and "numbed up" now.  What?  I'm just now numb, we haven't even done this thing yet?  Geez! As the real show starts, the audience starts filtering in (being fashionably late I guess). As each person enters the little room, nice nurse #1 introduces them to me..."This is Dr. so and so." and "now we have Dr. such and such." This is the downside to being in a University hospital (lots of eyeballs on you)!

It's finally done, I'm taped, wrapped and ready to go when the nice nurse goes over the post-biopsy instructions one last time. Suddenly, I'm very interested in what she is saying! Can you repeat that last part? Sure, she says she will even highlight it for me! She takes me back to the waiting room where my husband has been reading dogeared magazines (I guess). She hands him the sheet of instructions and points out that highlighted portion. For 48 hours: no lifting, pulling, pushing, exercise, COOKING, WASHING DISHES, any activity using arm movements! Did you catch that?  Sometimes, there IS a silver lining!

"Cancer: Kind of like Head Lice?"

After dinner the other day, we talked to our 9-year-old daughter about what might be happening to Mommy soon. We decided to feed it to her in child size chunks. I asked her if she had ever heard the word "cancer" and she said said "yes, that is contagious." We explained that is it not and then told her about my breast cancer. She then decided it was a bug. We told her it was just a bad part that had to be taken out, just like when I had my gallbladder out recently (which she remembers). 

Her eyes suddenly lit up and then she said "Oh, is this when your hair falls out?" We weren't going to get into a discussion about anything beyond surgery at this point, so we weren't sure what to say. Luckily, she snapped her fingers, rolled her eyes, and laughingly said "Oh, never mind, that's when you have head lice." Yeah, that must be it!

The next morning she came into my room when she woke up. "Good morning Mommy, how is your breast cancer today?" I responded "It's just fine." Thank goodness it isn't head lice!

"The Diseased Family Tree"

Between tests and doctor visits, I was sent to genetic counseling. The first thing she did was whip out some paper and start drawing a family tree, except it turned out to be a big diseased family tree! Someone call an arborist, we have an emergency! I've never known so much about the ailments of those who came before me! 

We talked about my early onset of cancer and that my maternal aunt also had breast cancer when she was close to my age. So, I took a genetic test to see this could be hereditary. If so, it could make a difference in the surgical approach. It also would mean that I would be at a much higher risk for ovarian cancer down the road or even a second breast cancer.

A bit of good news, the test came back negative which means a mutation in the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes was not found! Finally, a good phone call from the cancer center!

"Oops, we hit a snag"

Okay, I was ready for "the big appointment." It had taken on monumental proportions in my head. It was time for my husband and I to see the surgical oncologist again to decide what type of surgery would be best for me. I was armed with a notebook full of questions.

Instead, she came into the little room to report that the MRI showed something in my left breast. Something tiny, she assured me. Something solid, but not really suspicious. Guess what this means? Me versus the big needle, part two! Another biopsy was scheduled. I loved the first one so much, why not try it again!

I left the appointment feeling disappointed and torn. I didn't want to wait any longer for answers. I did not want another biopsy. I wanted the game plan! But, in the back of mind I realized it gave me a little more time before I had to start this process that I didn't want to do in the first place. It gave me a little more time to pretend like the breast cancer wasn't real, if I could.

"The Sweet Sounds of the MRI"

MRI technicians would not make very good DJ's. I'm in the tube, face down, enjoying a good pop song being piped in through the hospital headphones when BANG, CLANG, BOOM! Is the idea to scare the cancer out of you? These noises just might do the trick! I'm all for whatever works!

Seriously, I was concerned when I arrived about claustrophobia. So many people seem to be worried about that, so why shouldn't I be? I found that because you are face down, this is not an issue. It is just like being on a massage table only without the awesome massage part, you get music and abrupt banging noises instead. It's like Oscar the Grouch rummaging around in his trash can with 30 of his closest grouchy friends.

Honestly, my least favorite part was getting the IV (I have previously mentioned my unhappiness with the pokey sticks). Oh, and when they start giving you the dye during the MRI it doesn't hurt, but feels really cold and weird (I imagine it was the same way spiderman felt when he got bit, but that is just a guess on my part)!

"The Roller Coaster Ride"

In between visiting with all those nurses, I did spend quality time with the doctor. She was patient, explained so many things my head was spinning (even though I took notes) and gave me good news and bad.

According the the ultrasound, the tumor is stage 1 in size (1.6 cm). However, it has that nasty grade 3 rating (aggressive). She said it is best to be positive on the ER and PR lab tests. Both of mine came back negative (of course). Not sure yet about the HER2/Neu. Since I'm young, the tumor is aggressive and is not responsive to hormone therapy, I will be having IV chemo (I almost jumped for joy over that news).

Next step: a breast MRI. Then we talk about our surgical options.

We (my husband and I) have a mixed bag of news. We have shock and emotion coursing through our systems and sometimes we have totally normal moments. It's just like being on a roller coaster, only you don't get the cool wind in your face and you hardly ever get to put your arms up in the air!

"Nurses on Parade"

Two days after "D-day" I'm back in the parking lot of the cancer center. This time, I'm sure there was no design flaw, but I hate seeing that word (and it is so big on the side of the building)! I'm here to meet my surgical oncologist (fancy word for someone who does cancer surgery). My husband is with me and I'm a ball of nerves!

That's when the parade starts. The nicest nurse ever collects me from the waiting room, then another nurse comes in the room to introduce herself and when she leaves I see another! At the end of my appointment one of them saddles me with a bag, a file folder system for me to use, a book, pamphlets and business cards. Then she opens her arms and says "we are huggers here." As I let her hug me, she tells me that I've gained a new family whether I wanted one or not! I'm not sure if I want to smile or cry. I think I did both.

"Medical Mumbo Jumbo"

After wading through the big words on the surgical pathology report, I saw some easy ones that I didn't like, such as "poorly" and "unfavorable."

The phrase I understood was "Invasive Ductal Carcinoma." That is the most common type of breast cancer. It starts in the ducts and then spreads to surrounding tissue. I did not like the word "invasive."

The word "poorly" was in reference to my cells. They are either well-differentiated (which is apparently best), moderately-differentiated or poorly-differentiated (which is the least favorable type). It also stated "unfavorable nuclear grade." I found out that basically means the nucleus doesn't look good and is a grade 3 (on a scale of 1 to 3). This has to do with the aggressiveness of the cancer. I can't say any of this seemed like a bright spot to me at the time.

My Dad showed the report to a pathologist friend of his at work. He handed it back to my Dad and said "This is very bad, but at least it is treatable." I didn't like the first part of that sentence, but the last three words started to make things look a little brighter.

"Shell-shocked"

Shell-shocked: mentally confused, upset, or exhausted as a result of excessive stress.

The doctor kept asking me if I was alone. She asked if my husband or someone could be with me. The way she was talking I thought I was going to die! She told me to get my husband and come on in to the office. I called him at work and he picked me up immediately. She saw us right away and showed us the pathology report. I didn't understand a word it said. I did, however, understand that she was diagnosing me with breast cancer. BREAST CANCER! Even during the mammogram, ultrasound and biopsy it had never occurred to me that the outcome would be breast cancer.

After some time of feeling mentally worn out by just taking in the news, I began to try to decode the pathology report. I talked to my Mom (who is also an RN) and my Dad (who is a medical technologist in a hospital lab). I looked up every word online. Information gives me comfort. What I came up with was this: the tumor is small, but aggressive.

"The Bombshell"

June 25, 2012...D-Day...the day that will live in infamy for me personally. Oh, and it was a Monday (figures)! A busy morning of getting everyone ready for getting where they needed to be. My husband left for work and took the baby with him to drop off at the sitter on his way. I had just finished getting ready for work and watched my daughter get on the bus for summer school. As I was gathering my things, my phone rang. I figured someone had forgotten something!

It was the doctor's office receptionist informing me that my biopsy results were in and could I please make an appointment to come in and see the doctor about the results the next day. I could just feel the color draining out of me as my heart started pumping like crazy. I told her that I did not want to make an appointment, thank you very much, I wanted the doctor to call me today and tell me the results. I wasn't waiting 24 hours to unravel this mystery. I could tell she didn't want to do it that way, but said she would have the doctor call me.

As soon as I hit END on my phone, I started dialing my Mom at work and lost it. I told her it was obviously bad news! I didn't even finish talking to her before the doctor herself called me back. I was crying and upset before she even said a word. She just kept saying "I really don't want to do this over the phone. Jennifer, I really don't have good news."

"The Big Needle"

Almost a week later, I faced off against the big needle. My nerves were all over the place! I had an ultrasound-guided core needle biopsy. After finding the area they wanted to biopsy with the ultrasound, the radiologist injected local anesthetic. That stings, but not for long. After that, I couldn't tell you what they did because I certainly wasn't going to peek! After the hollow needle was placed, a vacuum type device helps suck out a piece of the bad blob. They tape the tiny incision with steri-strips, cover it with a dressing and wrap a big ace bandage around you.

I was told my doctor would call me with the results in a few days. I was sore for a bit, but glad to have it over. I honestly thought I would now be able to move on and put this whole deal behind me!

"The Big Squish"

Two days after I saw my primary care physician, I found myself parking my car in front of a building that featured large letters spelling out "cancer center." Is that some kind of scare tactic? Must have been a major design flaw because I was here for a simple mammogram and was much more worried about squishing and flattening than cancer. The diagnostic mammogram was a snap. I was shocked! All that complaining I'd heard from other women about the pressing and pushing and squishing and squashing didn't amount to a thing! I was so relieved. I was then told the radiologist wanted an ultrasound. Well, having just given birth 10 months ago, I was intimately familiar with ultrasounds! This wasn't going to be a bad visit at all!

Until...(you knew this was too easy)...the radiologist herself came into the room and told me and my husband that we needed to schedule a biopsy. A biopsy!!! Wait, are we ruling out a cyst? She didn't exactly answer and I didn't take that as a good sign. Plus, doesn't a biopsy involve a large needle? Needles and I do not exactly get along. In fact, we have a long history of a less than stellar relationship. But, as I am finding out, this was just one bump in a long road ahead.

"I do not have good news"

Breast cancer at age 38 was not on my "to do" list. My plan was to save all major health issues for when I got older. I would have more time, no children in the house, fewer responsibilities, and...(wait)...yep, I think I just heard God laugh at my plan. I was far from laughing two and a half weeks ago when the doctor called and said "I do not have good news." I didn't really have to hear more. I knew what that meant.

I was having pain in my right breast on and off for a few weeks. I knew it was nothing and that going to the doctor about it would be just downright silly, but I finally decided to check it out anyway. She felt a lump. She called it a grape and had me feel it too. I still wasn't worried. After all, she didn't seem worried and told me not to "freak out." She ordered a diagnostic mammogram and I sighed inside (because I really thought I could avoid the big squish for two more years)! While I was bemoaning the mammogram (in my head) she explained that a biopsy could come next, but even still that was nothing to "freak out" about. The last thing she said was "if it is breast cancer, then you have a free pass to freak out!"  Honestly, who really thought that was going to happen?!